


A Letter to my Crush

by imnotaperfectperson



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: But whatever, I just wanted to tell someone about it, I like her very much, Unrequited Crush, and I have no idea how to deal with it, even though no one will read this, free therapy, hey if you know me in real life, i have a crush, im posting it anyway, no you dont - Freeform, probably better that way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:08:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29710722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotaperfectperson/pseuds/imnotaperfectperson
Summary: Not quite sure what this is. I had too many thoughts and felt this way the best way to stop myself from feeling like they were crushing me. I pray to God she never reads this.





	A Letter to my Crush

Hey, 

I know this is weird, but I just have to say it. Just get it out there somehow, because it’s getting really hard to deal with my feelings. I especially know it’s weird to write this in a letter, but hey, I’ve never exactly been able to do things right. Definitely have never been good at confessions. 

I didn’t know how else to do this I guess. I can barely talk to you in person, so that’s out of the question. I think my brain stops working when it comes to you honestly. A text from you makes me smile wider than you can imagine, but I will also spend the rest of the day freaking out over how to respond. I’m not very good with people. I’m terrible with crushes.

I’m sorry if I’ve been really awkward around you. I know I’m kind of weird and I worry all the time that I’m coming off as cold, or like I don’t want to talk to you. Fuck, I want to talk to you more than anything. I swear to God, I’ve never wanted anything more. I just physically cannot bring myself to do it. My hands get sweaty, my heart races, and the words just get caught in my throat. I feel like I’d just be annoying you, or that I’ll say the wrong thing.

I know you don’t like me. I don’t know how you could, given how awful I am at social skills and how I mostly just ignore you when you’re around. I’m so quiet, and I feel awful about it. I don’t even want to be. I’m just so nervous. I’ve been acting that way around more people, too. It’s not just you, I’m just struggling, I guess.

Sometimes I go days without saying a word to someone. Trust me, I like my alone time and all, but it’s so lonely sometimes. I don’t know how to cope with it. When I’m finally around people again, it’s like I’ve forgotten what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what to say. My brain just can’t come up with anything and I completely blank. Everything I say sounds wrong and awkward. Maybe that’s just how everyone feels at 14.

I don’t know. I feel really bad about not being able to function properly around you. I hate that I can’t just do what I want to and I hate not knowing if you even care. When I actually am able to talk to other people, I feel even worse about it. I wish I could just do the same thing with you. Sometimes I wonder if you watch me, if you see me talk to other people and make up your mind that I just don’t like you.

The problem is exactly the opposite really. I just like you too much. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never had a crush like this. I like you so much it hurts, sometimes. 

Every once in a while, I’ll wonder if this is really a crush. My mom made me question whether or not I even really liked girls when I came out to her and she told me that I was straight, just going through a phase, and never brought it up again. She told me I was confused, and in all honesty, I was. I didn’t really know how to deal with that or how to figure it out. I just tried to stop thinking about it altogether, really. 

I didn’t have a crush on anyone for months after that, so I didn’t really have to worry. (Sorry, I know I’m oversharing, I just get carried away sometimes.)

Then I met you. Well, not exactly, since I’m pretty sure we actually met for the first time a year before the time I properly remember. I think we went trick or treating together in 2018/2019 or something with a mutual friend. I’m not actually sure though, since I don’t remember anything before this year very well. I do remember hanging out with you on Halloween of 2020. 

You wore a fucking cow onsie. It was the cutest thing ever. All I could think was, “Oh my fucking god, you’re such a fucking dork, I like you so much.” 

You were so fun and amazing and I just immediately liked you. If someone cut me off in the middle of a sentence, you’d bring it back up after they stopped and ask me if I wanted to say something. It made me so irrationally happy, I didn’t know what to do.

I went home with another one of my friends that night and when we got back to my house, she said, “...I think I kind of like Bailey.”

I couldn’t stop laughing. I’d thought about you the whole car ride home. I told her, “Me too.”

We spent the next few weeks talking about you over facetime, all the god damn time. We would squeal about how pretty you are and how much we liked you. We hung out the next few weekends, set up by our mutual friend. (shout out to McKenzie, I love you so much.) I was quiet the entire time because I literally could not function, but I still had a great time because you were there and I was just so happy to spend any kind of time with you. 

After about two weeks of that, I think, I stopped asking. I felt so annoying, especially since I barely did anything while you were there. I ran into a fucking table one time and you checked on me and I swear, I’ve never been so flustered or felt so special in my entire life. 

God, you have no idea. I like you so much. It’s fucking insane, I don’t know what to do. 

We also saw you in that musical and all I did was stare at you. I was sweating and your wig looked so dumb, but I just couldn’t take my eyes off of you. The sun was in my eyes and I kept having to block out the sun, but I did everything I fucking could just so I could look at you. You make me so happy and you don’t even have to do anything. You just exist and my brain releases mass amounts of serotonin or whatever.

I don’t know if that’s right, I’m 14, I don’t know anything about brain chemicals and shit. Point is, I see you and I’m really happy.

After, I got to talk to you, even if it was only for a second, but it was fucking awesome. We were playing around with our mutual friends and McKenzie was like, “Wait, can I do this thing?” I don’t remember what it was called, but she put her arms on either side of my head while I was leaning on the wall.

I laughed when she did it and absolutely freaked the fuck out when you did. I just remember thinking that I was going to die in that moment because, holy fuck, you were about to fake trap me against a wall and you’re the most gorgeous person I have ever met and I can’t take this. 

Honestly, that was mostly a blur, though. My brain doesn’t remember specific details of moments with you. Just generally what happened and the feelings that came with it. I get little glimpses of what you looked like when it happened, but for the most part, I’m internally screaming because feelings are so hard and I like you so much I can’t handle it. 

I can’t even talk to you in person, what the fuck? I’m so bad at talking but I can literally write four pages in google docs about you. I guess I’ve always been better at writing than actually verablizing. It’s weird, because words come to me on the spot when I write and I rarely check over them. It’s just like I can’t think of the words when other people are around.

I don’t know. I’m weird like that. 

Anyway, back to some previous point I made that I refuse to scroll up to try to remember exactly what I was saying, I met you and was like, “Well, guess I’m definitely not straight. Sorry, mom.” 

Every time I wondered if I was, I just thought about you. About how pretty you are, the way you run your hands through your hair, how much I love your laugh, how beautiful your eyes are. I think about how much time I spend staring at you. Whenever you’re around, you’re all I can think about. I just stare because I can’t think about anyone else and you make me smile. 

You also make me incredibly nervous whenever you get close, but you also make me insanely happy. My heart rate speeds up rapidly and sometimes I even start shaking, but I also can’t stop the grin that spreads across my face. 

You make me a better person, too. At least I think so. You inspire me to do things. Which is weird because we almost never talk, but you still do, somehow. I joined fucking High School Musical because of you. Well, you and spite, but mostly you. 

I don’t even know how I decided that was a good idea. We haven’t even talked while I’m there!! Not really at least. Besides you saying goodbye to me sometimes, which let me tell you, absolutely makes my whole fucking day. I smile so wide and feel so happy, it’s so stupid. I just can’t wipe the dopey grin off my face and it’s the only thing I can think about until I sleep.

I switched cohorts in school because of you, too. I was also motivated by my friends, but one of them was talking about you being in B Cohort and I just emailed my guidance counselor. Right then, just because I decided that’s what did it for me. And I feel so fucking annoying about it, but I don’t even really care. My friends barely even show up to in person school. I only go in so I can see you. On days I know none of them will be there, I still go in because I am so desperate to see you.

We don’t even talk. We only see each other in one class and I never say a word to you. I literally just stare at the back of your head and then think about talking to you as we leave, but I never do. Just think about it and smile at the thought.

I woke up an hour early yesterday so I could go skateboard at 6 a.m. before school. I honestly just wanted to have something to talk to you about, but it was really fun. I gave myself an asthma attack and almost got hit by a car, but I think I’ll do it again. We didn’t even talk about it, but I really liked the feeling of being up before the rest of the neighborhood. I liked the wind in my hair, skating down a narrow street as the sun rose. I don’t know if that was necessarily making me a better person, but it made me feel good.

I want to thank you for all that. You don’t know it, but you changed me. And as hard as it is to deal with feelings, I like the way you make me feel.

Sometimes, I want to tell you. Every once in a while, I get this impulsive feeling that I should just text you and tell you. Of course, I never would. Instead I’ll do this. Write an entire letter that you’ll never see. 

I just don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to weird you out or make you feel uncomfortable. I just wish I could talk to you more or something. At least be friends. 

You’re so sweet and every time I hear you talk, I can’t stop myself from smiling. I love the sound of your voice and how funny you are. You’re talented and so fucking pretty it makes my heart hurt. You’re just so amazing. 

Well, except for your controversial opinions. I don’t know what to do with the fact that you don’t like applesauce, or that you do like rootbeer, or the fact that you haven’t seen most Disney movies. Or Disney channel originals, I guess. I feel like I should either give you my Disney+ account or invite you over to watch them. I won’t, because I’m a mess of a human being who can’t think properly about anything that has to do with you, but it’s a nice thought. 

Anyway, this is getting too long. This was a weird thing to begin with, but for the first time in a while, I feel better about my feelings. Hopefully, you’ll never read this.

With love,  
An acquaintance


End file.
